It has all the important components of apology--a statement of regret, an acceptance of responsibility for one's actions, a promise to not repeat the offense, and the request for forgiveness. On the other hand, if you don't experience enough shame when you wrong someone else, apology can help remind you of the harm you caused. An acceptance of responsibility for your actions. For example, the act of confession within the Catholic church is essentially an apology to God. Those with a history of having been victimized often develop a tendency to hate or despise weakness. This self-respect can, in turn affect our self-esteem, our self-confidence and our overall outlook on life.
The most effective method of self-forgiveness is for you to vow that you will not continue the same behavior and not hurt someone in the same way again. Beating yourself up will be the death of you. Apologizing Your admittance of what you did to harm others is doubly powerful if it is accompanied by a heartfelt, sincere apology. Now, this goes beyond justification, beyond wanting to be right -- this is about being able to see that just as you may have caused pain to those around you, you will have also caused them pleasure too. We need the wrongdoer to take responsibility for his or her action and we need to know that the wrongdoer feels regret or remorse for having harmed us. When you take responsibility for your actions you may feel more shame at the moment, but before long that feeling of shame will be replaced with a feeling of self-respect and of genuine pride as opposed to false pride. One of the most frequent comments that I hear from those who were abused in childhood is that they wish the offender would admit what he or she did and apologize to them for it. Remembering that humiliation the next time you are tempted to repeat the same act can discourage you from acting on your impulse. Most people say they want an apology. First time parenthood , in particular, is stressful and almost always triggers memories of our own childhood traumas. When we acknowledge the intricate web of causes and conditions in which we are all imbedded, we can be less judgmental of ourselves and others. Taking responsibility, apologizing and making amends 4. Because I was too consumed with beating myself up, there was no room for me to give back to others. Rather than tormenting yourself with guilt and shame, having compassion for your own suffering and for the suffering of those you have harmed can help you achieve the clarity necessary for you to think of ways you can help those you have harmed we will also discuss making amends and repairing the harm later in the blog. Unfortunately, becoming a parent creates all three of these circumstances for someone who was abused in childhood. An acceptance of responsibility for your actions. They will have benefited from what you did, they always do. Ask yourself, "What kind of person would do something like this? For example, my ex-husband is now happily married and with someone that is far better suited for him than me. For example, understanding that your addiction —whether it be to alcohol, drugs, sex , food, shopping, or gambling —has been a way to self-medicate and to cope with anxiety and fear , can help you to stop beating yourself up for the harm your addiction caused those close to you. The minute you do this, miracles start to happen; situations and opportunities start to open up that you didn't even think were possible. Often, the only way we can find compassion for ourselves or self-forgiveness is to reach out to something bigger than our individual selves. How to Give A Meaningful Apology A meaningful apology is one that communicates what I call the three R's--regret, responsibility, and remedy. When we are able to develop the courage to admit when we are wrong and to work past our fears and resistance to apologizing we develop a deep sense of respect in ourselves. Once I had done this, I knew I would choose a different behavior next time. Once you stop struggling with your own reality, calmness will start to take its place. Acknowledging the interconnected nature of our lives is another aspect of Common Humanity.
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